disclaimer: this piece of writing is from:
1) my old blog*,  which I have long since forgotten the login details to
and 2) September 2013, so things were very different then to the way they are now. starkly more... precarious, let's say. it was around the time that the psychiatric unit was a serious consideration.

     The universe is presenting me with increasingly more evidence that for/I don't know how long/I have been making an innumerable clusterfuck of bad decisions. 

I'm not sure when that pattern of bad judgment began but it was sneaky and clandestine and in the middle of the night.

It's funny how long it can take people namely me to realise real accountability

   or responsibility 

  or consequence and I probably still haven't realised these qualities yet/I still employ a little defence mechanism honed by years of use, which is completely faulty like 

assembling an IKEA desk with only half the instructions and

  missing pieces, yet a defence mechanism employed so regularly that the process is automatic and i don't need to honour things like    c o n s e q u e n c e.

     My ego defences are pretty good so it's difficult for me to define exactly how complex this Little Girl With a Shotgun Inside My Head's particular mechanism is 

 or what exactly makes her tick 

  or how to disarm her, but what's for sure is that she'll probably keep doing alot of damage internally even while her intentions are Only Good.
   For now I'll leave it to my psychologist to reason with her


*old forsaken blog: andthenthiscameout.blogspot.com.au